This is all new, although I tried to start a blog on other sites several times, but I failed all the time. I did not have enough stamina to carry on with the posting. Here I am again, this time I might succeed. I keep telling myself that it is only difficult to start.

My days and nights are all about one person at the moment.

I have been on the scene long enough to have the necessary experience to know my lows and highs, to recognize and express what I want in my private life. I have been in quite a few relationships so far and for some reason none of them worked at the end. I tried the monogamous one, the open one, I have cheated and have been cheated on. I dove into ocean of casual sex and one-night-stand, had fun in bath-houses, parks and other public places, surfed and browsed the classic sites on the internet. I enjoyed the moment and felt emptiness afterwards. I was looking for something missing from my life.

I have found it!

Contrary to what my experience was about the internet, I found him there. For me the begining is pretty foggy, no recollection of the first contac which apparently was made by me. We have been chatting for about one and a half years which I have vague memories of only. It shows well how many guys I have been chatting with at the same time. Thank him that he had better memory!

Finally this summer we had a chance to meet in person. I had one of my greatest experience in July, I visited the United States first time in my life.  This is a different story though. I am mentioning it here, because that trip has changed everything.

I met Gary!

We had a chance to spend 4 days together in New York City before I left to Milwaukee to stay there for weeks. It was no love at first sight for me, although I found him very attractive and handsome and we ended up having sex. At that time I was not sure about my feelings. He seemed to be just the opposite. He talked about love and marriage and sharing life. Frankly he scared the shit out of me. We had a very good time together in and out of the bed. The four days had gone and I was ready to fly to Milwaukee with a feeling in my heart I could not explain to myself.

Before I go on, I have to explain something. Everybody knows the feeling when the grass is greener on the other side. Well, that was my attitude to my trip to New York City. I had several phone numbers with pictures in my phone and I was ready to jump into the busy night life of the city which never sleeps. I was surprised the most when I did not want to meet those guys at all. That explaines the confusion in my mind and heart.

So I left to Milwaukee to accomplish my task there. I lived with a wonderful couple and I hope they do not mind if I mention their names. Emily and Andrew were my hosts and became my friends as well. However, there was someone else in the picture not long after my arrival. I don't have to explain to much that I arrived to town with phone numbers again. Despite of that I met him in a bar. He was hot, handsome, just my type and my old habit for casual sex kicked in and soon I spent my days and night off with him. He was a smooth talker! Just like Gary he was talking about strong feelings, falling for me and living together. I let him seduce me, but I was too coward to be honest with Gary and tell him that I had strong feelings towards the new guy, so I kept pretending that I am in love with him. The four weeks have gone and I had to decide what I wanted to do. Going back to Gary to spend a week with him or staying in Milwaukee. He too easily convinced me that I had to stay. I dumped Gary on the phone. Just writing it down makes me feel terrible. I stayed and everything has turned around. He was not a smooth talker any more, we argued more and more and has less and less sex. He had excuses for all these, of course. I started to realize I had made the wrong decision. Gary was devastated, but kept calling me and tried to be cool about the situation. The extra week has passed and I was on my way back to New York to catch my flight to London. Gary and I agreed to meet and talk. He picked me up at La Guardia and we went together to JFK, he was with me there at the check-in and then we had someting to eat and I could not believe that he let me hold his hand and kiss him after what I had done.

Let me fast forward the story. I came back to London, started to work again and got ill and depressed at the same time. I lost the most important feeling, my passionate to my profession. I hardly did anything than staying in my house and watching TV. After two weeks I got better physically , but not mentaly. I had a few days off and I poped down to London to have some fun (i.e. casual sex). I stayed in a nice hotel and invited the guy who had wanted to meet me for a long time to come up my room. As usual, we had a good time, enjoyed each other, but the next morning, though he was a nice guy, I felt the emptiness again. I changed my mind and did not meet any of the guys I had planned to meet. I walked around the centre instead and enjoyed the beautiful weather in the Soho Park. As I was lying on the grass there, it came to me like an epiphany. I suddenly realized how stupid I was. I realized that I have someone who wanted me, loved me regardless my previous actions. At that moment I knew. I made a plan and my depression has gone forever. I was on the bright side of life!

Everything has happened pretty fast. We agreed that Gary was going to visit London and we were going to spend a nice weekend together there. I prepared lots of surprises for him, the biggest one was the ring I bought for him with our names engraved in it. I has never bought a ring for anyone before. I could not put in words, but I felt that he was the One.

The weekend finally has come, I was waiting for him at the airport. He was tired, but for me the most gorgeous guy in the world. I could not stop smiling.

The whole weekend was everything I had imagined. Romantic, erotic, intimate, fun... It culminated in the few hours we spent at the Hyde Park having champagne. I made him cry again, but it was a nice thing that time. I gave him the ring! The ring of my comitment. I told him the rest of my plan. I talked him about quiting my current job and moving to New York to live with him in next February. He was all excited and said yes to my plan. I was the happiest person around.

So that is where we are now. I have already bought my flight ticket to New York, I am going to visit him in November. I am going to share my life with him.

I love him!